Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Broken

I have put off writing this post, because even in my head it sounds unnecessarily whiny. It is, but I have decided to write it anyway. This blog serves as my journal more often than not, and maybe if I just have my whine out, I can move on.

Every afternoon, I fight tears. Every day, I find myself thinking that I cannot do this anymore. I am too tired, too weak, too heavy, too swollen, too sad. Nobody signed up for this version of me. My husband deserves a better wife, my daughter deserves a better mother, my work deserves someone who gives a damn.

We all know I'm not so good with the change. The transition from mother of one to mother of three scares the shit out of me. I think what scares me most is that I might spend the next several months as this woman, the one who is making it through each day -- and that is all.

But I don't want my life to be something I survive. I want it to be something I live and enjoy and love. In my better moments, I imagine myself surrounded by three kids and I am overwhelmed by the joy I feel even at the thought of silly giggles and small confidences and sweet kisses. I believe I will make it to that day and that I will know this was all worth it.

I just wish making it there weren't quite so hard right now.

6 comments:

Beth Fish said...

I hope it gets easier for you.

Lumpyheadsmom said...

I'm sorry.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I've been there (sort of, I didn't already have a child).

Being pregnant with twins is harder than most people can imagine. You will get through it, and there is a fantastic community of parents of multiples out in the blogsphere to help you.

Jenn said...

OK I don't know if this happened before -- but pregnancy depression is not all that uncommon. My cousin suffered tremendously until they put her on a low dose med. This could be overkill -- you just may be blue -- but it may be worth a chat with your doc.

Feel better soon

jen said...

Julie,

You don't know me - but I've read your blog from time to time and checked in today. All I can say is that what you are feeling is totally normal, and you have every right to be scared, nervous, you fill in the blank...but the main thing is...this too shall pass. You can do it. One, because you have to, and two, because you CAN.
take care.

Jane said...

I was depressed all through my entire pregnancy with the Bear, and through most of her first year of life, and through my second pregnancy, and... wait...

I haven't *not* been seriously depressed since I first got pregnant almost three years ago. Talk to someone. It can help, it really can. And don't feel bad - this happens to so many moms, and so many of them are afraid to talk about it for fear of sounding like bad moms. It can and will get better.

(Sorry to be late to the party - I've been on vacation!)